M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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