mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
