i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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