my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
