I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
