I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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