Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
