She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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