DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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