Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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