btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
