Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
