Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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