I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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