I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
