Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
