You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
false alarm, still single
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