i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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