Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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