Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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