So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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