toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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