I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
