I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
