cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
