Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
