I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
