So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
