Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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