Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
