Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
