U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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