69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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