and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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