When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.