btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
