I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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