There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
