White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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