if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
