i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
