Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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