dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
