Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
