I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
