oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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