Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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