So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
