I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
