Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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