Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
