Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
