I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
