I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
