I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
