am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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