get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
