the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
